A Beginner’s Guide to Travelling On a Local Train

You’ll Need: One handkerchief (a must), 3 one rupee coins, one 10 rupee note, plenty of cash, headphones, empty purse

Step 1: Buy your ticket

If you have ever come across a joke like the one below and believe that this really works, you are in for trouble.

Engineers may be smarter than accountants. But Ticket Collectors are smarter still (in India!).

Step 2: Reserve thy seat

This is where your most precious item comes into play. Even before the train stops or the doors of the compartment open, drop in your kerchief on your favourite window seat. Now, not even Sheldon can move you from your seat!

Step 3a: Put on your headphones

Whether you wish to listen to Pink Floyd, Jagjit Singh or Enrique is your choice. But putting on headphones is a must. This will help you ignore all the low-profile scums and beggars that come along.

There will be surprises. Don’t panic. You cannot ignore little girls coming with harmless snakes in round boxes to be opened at the right moment (Pandora’s Box!?). Use your first lifeline. 1st one rupee coin. You have only 3 lifelines. So take utmost care while using them.

Step 3b: Take off your glasses

If you happen to be among the self-evident geeks with big spectacles on your nose, better take them off once seated. That way they cannot be kidnapped for ransom. In the worst possible case, use your 10 rupee note.

Step 3c: Know thy train

For more details, look up extension of joke above.

SPOILER (highlight to reveal): On another trip on a local train, the engineers buy 3 tickets and the accountants buy no ticket. Guess who is smarter?

Step 4: Follow the herd

Be ready before your station arrives. Once the train arrives, do not hesitate. Do not think. Just follow the herd.